So, with the holiday weekend, the lights dimmed a bit over here on the Bluegrass. Between the demands at work, home, and at my flea market booth, I thought it wise to take a small respite and only focus on a couple of things at a time instead of my usual million. I got out quite a bit and spent time with friends and lover, but at the end of the weekend, I found myself coming up bare. This isn’t anything new either. Holidays have never had a positive connotation in my life since stress and arguments always seemed to occur, which automatically makes them emotional triggers for me.

By bare, I mean exposed. Don’t worry, I didn’t guzzle down four pitchers of margaritas while at a party and start an awkward Congo line of flesh around the neighborhood block. No, I mean I found all my guards down, and realized my psychological closets were thrown wide open to forward thinking about my future. I entertained ideas I normally won’t let my mind wander around.

Like most people in the world, I like to imagine things for my life, but there are some topics I don’t touch. Too many old wounds with scars still scabbing over, you know? But I completely let myself venture into the warning zones and now here I am, nearly crippled with anxiety about everything I’m doing. Essentially, I shot my growing confidence all to Hell, and now I’m floundering around wondering why on Earth I ever thought I could accomplish even half of what I’ve set out to do. Read the rest here at my blog The Bluegrass Skeptic

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Comment by Michael Penn on July 10, 2015 at 6:21am

Thanks, A. K. A.  Out of the 2 choices I listed for me that only leaves the insanity part.  :)

Comment by Bluegrass Skeptic on July 10, 2015 at 6:16am

Doesn't sound like you're codependent. Might be the other way around. Codependency is seeking confidence through the approval/satisfaction of others. You literally don't derive any self-worth from your own actions, but through approval from others.

Comment by Michael Penn on July 9, 2015 at 6:52am

I'm not sure that I'm codependent. I've probably made excuses for my wife forever, and I still do that even after a year of living apart. I tend to think about things and analyze too much. Maybe I always did. I have to be in control of any situation as much as I can, and if I cannot be then it doesn't interest me. I can talk your arm off and have a very public job, but privately I'm a recluse. I tend to occupy myself with computer, music, TV, and movies without feeling that I've missed anything from other people. If you think I'm your close friend then perhaps you do not know me.

Being in control of my own situation is a force that drives me. I'm aware that money is only a medium but I have to have bills paid up and have everything ahead if possible. I have a system and am ahead right now by 4 months. What that means is that I have 4 months of salary just in case I find that I have no job. This is all an on paper system that I have worked out for myself and it works very well. I don't lack for anything but yet I have simple needs. I showed my wife this system once and she looked over my paper. When she gave it back to me she said "frankly, I don't know what you are doing here."

If you are part of my life and in a relationship with me, my control of everything just might make me wrap you and I both up into this same mold. Yet, people are individuals. I do not have to have control of another person. I view that as wrong. What I have to have is control of a situation.

Is it insanity or codependency?

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