Thanksgiving; the Real American(tm) way!

So I got invited to a neighbors' place for Thanksgiving - just the three of us.

Ok, not so much 'invited' as I sneakily arranged the whole thing. Quasi-homeless, no cooking facilities of my own, no transportation to go anywhere else, facing a Thanksgiving of cheap burrito fixings and Oreos while I watch DVDs in continual avoidance of housework. Oh, and recovering from a recent distressing phone call from a neurotic family member, right before this holiday where everyone's going on about their wonderful, loving families.

So I ask my neighbors who are also family-less in this area, "Hey, what are you guys doing for Thanksgiving? If, you know, just in case {*foot shuffle, look down, foot shuffle*}, if you don't have anything in particular planned, I'd be happy to pitch in for food and we can have a collective no-special-plans Thanksgiving. But you probably have big plans. But just in case you don't..."

They fell went for it. Much like the Indians hosting the early Pilgrims who didn't quite want to admit, "We suck at putting a meal together in this world. We'll pick up dessert at Wal-Mart if you want to have dinner at your place?" Yes, I believe that's exactly what the Pilgrims said (leading to the history-altering moment where White Trash Americans discovered Wal-Mart. But that's a different story).

The Indians welcomed the Pilgrims into their village, much like my neighbors are welcoming me into theirs (and this deserted-for-the-Winter RV park really is starting to look more like an Indian village since I helped them put up the frame for their soon-to-be Tiki Hut).

I wonder now if I should continue in the holiday tradition and thank my neighbors much like the Pilgrims thanked their Native neighbors?

To start with, I would declare their RV lot (with its much better view of the lake than mine) to be my own by virtue of Manifest Destiny. And of course commandeer their 5th Wheel and Tiki Hut once I've run them off their own land and forced them to live on the crappiest RV space I can find. I would then inflict them with smallpox and take advantage of their genetic low tolerance for alcohol by giving them lots of Jim Beam. I'd ruthlessly slaughter the majority of them.

Ok, there's only the two of them so I guess I'll have to slaughter just one. I have to leave some survivors (well, one) in order to outlaw their cultural practices just long enough to wreak havoc with their ethnic identity until they are compelled to sell self-exploitative trinkets to me for a living. Oh, and also to earn a living, be talked into letting me build a power plant on their shitty RV lot so I can get around my own country's pesky EPA restrictions. At least for a little while. Finally, the survivors (survivor) will build a casino in order to take quiet revenge by exploiting my White-Trash genetic weakness for gambling.

Yes, I believe I have my All American holiday planned.

Happy Thanksgiving! And to my heathen, godless non-American(tm) friends ... Oh, I guess you can celebrate too if you want.


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Comment by Jo Jerome on November 30, 2009 at 8:46pm
So in the end I allowed my neighbors to live, stole some bookshelves and possibly their car.

Ok, the bookshelves aren't really theirs but were part of a falling-down abandoned shed behind their lot that they're hoping will 'accidentally' finish falling down one of these days thus further improving their view. I therefore was as rough as possible in ripping out the bookshelves.

And the car is a beater 1987 Suzuki Samauri they're thinking of selling. So if I steal it, I'd be 'stealing' it for $500.

And that's how Atheists conquer a new world! Or a neighboring RV lot.

Had a great Thanksgiving! Hope you guys did too!
Comment by Johnny on November 26, 2009 at 8:25pm
LOL mike, you just made my day for the second time in 1 blog! =)
Comment by Mister Harvey on November 26, 2009 at 8:13pm
Happy Vague Sense of Appreciation Day!

You can justify your actions to your surviving neighbors by by bringing them religion.
Comment by Little Name Atheist on November 26, 2009 at 6:00pm
I am so happy Gimp was created. You made my day. I was just getting ready to start grumbling, and then your post took a left turn and ended up in Albuquerque.
Comment by Johnny on November 26, 2009 at 3:50pm
oh, satire! how I love it!

Cheers! Happy Thanksgiving Excuse-to-Stuff-Yourself Day!



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