I m sick and tired of those otherwise intelligent, "educated" and a bit rational theists who try to distort their already superficial understanding of science and reason to suit to their hard held religious believes so that their is less confusion in their lives. And worse so, they shout this distortion out and spread their dangerous idea and this dangerous habit. So I decided to do something to give them the taste of their own medicine (not that this is gonna work!). Since atheists do allow an element of doubt about everything, especially the origin of the universe and the idea that the world is just a live game being played by a larger being isn't entirely ruled out by reason, I decided to give my best "rational" explanation about the Christian god and his actions so far, not that anybody needs it. And just as you would do with the "original" bible, keep this one away from children.
At first god and satan were a homosexual couple. God was the stupid, rich bloke fond of sick perversions and reality shows, so he created the world. Satan was the brainy guy and had little interests in god's petty games until he made the earth. Satan had got pissed off about how god made eve out of Adam's rib and about fucking up physics, astronomy and biology by creating the sun after everything else. They had a row and satan dumped god. In anger, god made up a story to criminalise satan and vowed to suppress intellectualism even further, which he fucked up as well, because intellectuals always existed on earth.
But vulnerable psychopath that he was, he ended up in bed with Santa. Santa wasn't really into god. He just wanted to make god a better celestial being, especially when it came to how he treated children. He kept asking god to not cause spontaneous abortions in nearly half the conceived embryos and fuck up a fraction of the rest with congenital defects. He also kept asking god to lower the child mortality rate and that suffering wont teach anything to a dying child. But god wouldn't listen. To save this relationship, god tried to do something outside the box, not realizing that stupid deities fuck it up while doing things outside the box. He created "men who liked children" which was just the literal translation of "pedophile", because as a perverted idiot, he couldn't help but doing perverted shit. This was all that Santa could take and he dumped god.
God couldn't take the second major blow to his sexual ego (the first one was easier because god knew he was too stupid for satan's beautiful mind and he was really in that relationship for the sex). So god had to somehow repress his homosexuality, especially now that other less powerful second rated deities were arguing whether this christian god was a dickhead or butt-head to get dumped twice by less powerful deitiess. That was how he became a homophobe. He tried to consult satan for any therapy to convert himself into a heterosexual deity and satan went like "Even if there was one, I wouldn't tell you, go fuck yourself". So god prayed to himself and started pretending it worked and announced to the rest of the deities about his success. The Hindu deities chuckled in private, (well they had tried prayers on their bestiality in vain) but terribly bored of petty magic, they began large scale betting on whether this god was bisexual. The goddesses, too tired of heterosexual gods, decided to go for god's penis that was virgin so far as a vaginal penetration was concerned. But god could only come by imagining satan or Santa in the nude and he had to use his left hand everytime. Soon the word spread out and god was the laughing stock of the celestial social circles. Goddesses spoke at length, describing god to be more worse than he actually was, especially concentrating on his masturbation and his incessant repetition of "behold, I come quickly". So whenever god looked at his left hand, he would be reminded of those jokes. Poor thing, he couldn't commit suicide. He chopped of his left hand so he wont be tempted to masturbate. That explains why he hates amputees. Then he projected his anger on earth, banning masturbation and left handedness (homosexuality was already banned, for he couldn't bear seeing successful gay couples).
He got so perverted, he fucked the doll he created himself (virgin Mary), of course without her knowing it, for he knew she would point that he wasn't a man compared to Joseph. He didn't knew whether that would give her a son or he would himself be born, so he pretended he did both, because fuck logic and satan. He said some shit as jesus which people didn't care to record. So decided to dictate the bible later and that this " fucking your own creation" stunt was fucked up and so he decided to "get fucked up by his creation " instead (yep, he was that sick). He recollected the good old days when satan used to chain him in a different position each time and fuck him. In honor of those fond memories, He decided to get laid on the cross but nobody got the point of his fantasy and he got nailed instead. He couldn't show his face to others immediately, so hung up pretending to be dead in a cave, planned all the cover-up stories like "he died for your sins" and then sneaked up to heavens when he got a chance. As if the memory of satan hadn't fucked him enough, he recollected the gift he had created for Santa, the pedophiles, and promoted them to the level of priests.