This contract represents an agreement between GOD, Inc. (herein referred to as “COMPANY”) and you (herein referred to as “CLIENT”).
I. SERVICES PROVIDED
GOD, Inc. shall provide CLIENT with one (1) life on Earth. GOD, Inc. makes no guarantee regarding the style or quality of life provided or to the duration of life provided to CLEINT. There are many different life choices that GOD, Inc. provides and CLIENT’S life is determined by the sole decision of GOD, Inc. In some instances, CLIENT will not actually receive a life at all. CLIENT may be aborted or die due to various complications such as still birth, miscarriage, and/or other various birth defects. If during that time, CLIENT does not discover the correct religion, CLIENT will still be condemned to eternal punishment in Hell even though a fair opportunity to redeem the inherited sins was not presented.
II. TIME ON EARTH
During CLIENT’S time on Earth, CLIENT will be expected to serve in GOD, Inc.’s best interest. CLIENT will be representing the COMPANY at all times without compensation and without vacation or sick leave. CLIENT may be asked to perform certain tasks that have Earthly consequences. CLIENT must abide by COMPANY policies at all times even if there are consequences that CLIENT must suffer. CLIENT’S time on Earth is predetermined by GOD, Inc. and is kept confidential by the COMPANY. Failure to obey COMPANY policies may be grounds for early termination of life. GOD, Inc. also reserves the right to prematurely terminate CLIENT’S life on Earth for any reason without notice, even if CLIENT is in adherence to all of the COMPANY policies.
III. LIMITATION OF LIABILITY
CLIENT shall not hold GOD, Inc. responsible for anything that might happen to CLIENT while on Earth, or in any universe, or in any spiritual realm. In the event of a tragedy, CLIENT agrees to never speak ill against GOD, Inc or any of it’s affiliates, employees, or relatives even if GOD, Inc. is the cause of the problem. CLIENT agrees to locate a third party and cast the blame upon them. Acceptable third parties include, but are not limited to, SATAN, Inc. or any of it’s affiliates, President Obama, Richard Dawkins, homosexuals, Mormons, democrats, liberals, Odin Zeus McGaffer, or any other entity on Earth or in the spiritual realm.
GOD, Inc. shall not be held liable for anything that CLIENT finds unacceptable during time on Earth. However, when certain events take place in CLIENT’S life that enriches aforementioned life, CLIENT must credit COMPANY and all of it’s affiliates, employees, and family members. CLIENT must praise GOD, Inc. for every blessing bestowed upon CLIENT. Failure to show gratitude towards GOD, Inc. will constitute a breach of contract and may or may not have associated consequences.
In return for life that GOD, Inc. provides for CLIENT, CLIENT will incur an infinite amount of debt for an infinite amount of time. Meaning, CLIENT’S debt is incomprehensible and cannot be measured in terms of size or repayment duration. No amount of money or labor could possibly be sufficient enough to relieve CLIENT of this debt. Therefore, GOD, Inc. shall become the sole owner of CLIENT’S existence. All property, including but not limited to, physical, emotional, and/or spiritual, belonging to CLIENT shall be owned and operated by GOD, Inc. CLIENT agrees that GOD, Inc. is due immediate and indefinite compensation. GOD, Inc. will be the sole determiner of what type of compensation is acceptable and CLIENT agrees to perform any task that GOD, Inc. asks without hesitation and without debate.
V. BREACH OF CONTRACT
In the event of a breach of contract, GOD, Inc. reserves the right to perform any punishment necessary without limitation at it’s sole discretion. GOD, Inc. reserves the right to use cruel and unusual punishment including but not limited to, death, torture, decapitation, sodomy, lethal injection, mauling, blunt force trauma, or any combination of tactics mentioned or unmentioned in this contract. GOD, Inc. is the sole determiner of what is considered a breach of contract and any decision made by GOD, Inc. is final and cannot be appealed.
VI. REQUESTING ADDITIONAL SERVICES
During CLIENT’S time on Earth, CLIENT may formally request that GOD, Inc. provides additional services or benefits to CLIENT. In order to make this request, CLIENT must get down on provided knees, fold provided hands, close provided eyes, and speak subserviently to GOD, Inc in a soft voice. This method (herein referred to as PRAYER) shall be the only acceptable method to communicate with a representative of GOD, Inc. If GOD, Inc. does not provide CLIENT with speech, knees, hands, and/or eyes, simply follow the instructions as closely as possible.
VII. PRAYER PROCEDURES
Please allow up to 30 years from the date of receipt for GOD, Inc. to process prayer requests. CLIENT agrees to address GOD, Inc. in proper form and proper verbiage in order for COMPANY to adequately process the request. GOD, Inc. will not provide confirmation of receipt and makes no guarantees or implications that CLIENT’S request will be granted. GOD, Inc. is the sole determiner and decision maker in prayer requests. Multiple requests will be ignored and all decisions are final with no possibility of appeal. GOD, Inc. is not responsible for any damages that you may incur physically or emotionally as a result of the decision made by GOD, Inc. GOD, Inc. may not act in your favor and will be held harmless for any outcome(s) that GOD, Inc. may decide. Prayer requests from Mormons, homosexuals, and unmarried non-virgin women will not be honored under any circumstances.
VIII. PROVIDING RELIGION
Depending on your geographic location, GOD, Inc. will provide CLIENT with a default religion. CLIENT’S default religion will be heavily determined by the parental units that GOD, Inc. will supply CLIENT with. It is CLIENT’S responsibility to verify the correctness of the default religion and either abandon or adhere to it. If CLIENT fails to discover the sole religion that GOD, Inc. has pre-approved, CLIENT shall become sole property of SATAN, Inc. and cast into the fiery depths of Hell upon CLIENT’S departure from Earth. All good faith efforts on Earth will be completely disregarded if CLIENT fails to discover and adhere fully to the correct religion that GOD, Inc. has approved. GOD, Inc. shall not disclose which religion is correct and may provide misleading information to CLIENT as a test. GOD, Inc. may provide guidance to CLIENT from time to time, but the guidance GOD, Inc. provides may or may not be correct. GOD, Inc. shall not be held responsible for incorrect information that may be provided to CLIENT. CLIENT agrees to hold GOD, Inc. harmless for any undesired outcomes that have been caused or influenced by information provided by GOD, Inc.
IX. NO TERMINATION OF CONTRACT
This contract is binding and legal for an indefinite period of time and does not require the consent of the signing party. This contract can never be amended, destroyed, or deemed unbinding by anyone other than GOD, Inc. CLIENT is bound by this contract for an indefinite period of time and CLIENT agrees that GOD, Inc. has the sole power to enforce this contract at all times.
X. DISPUTE RESOLUTION
In the event of a dispute, GOD, Inc. shall be the sole authority in decision making. Any decision made by GOD, Inc. is final and cannot be appealed. CLIENT agrees to cooperate, support, and abide by any decision made by GOD, Inc. even if CLIENT does not like the outcome. Failure to agree with any and all decisions made by GOD, Inc. will result in a breach of contract and is subject to cruel, unusual, and indefinite punishment.
All disputes must be initiated by prayer and will be handled on a first come, first serve basis. Not all disputes will be resolved during your time on Earth and some requests may simply be ignored by GOD, Inc. The terms of the contract are still in full effect even during a dispute.
XI. MODIFICATIONS TO THIS AGREEMENT
There will be no modifications to this contract under any circumstances. GOD, Inc. has not altered and will never alter company policies for any reason. Any attempts, thoughts, or implications by CLIENT to modify, discard, or falsely interpret any portion of this agreement will be instantly nullified and subject to cruel, unusual, and indefinite punishment as if a breach of contract had occurred.
XII. ACCEPTANCE OF TERMS
Upon acceptance of these terms, CLIENT shall be bound by this contract indefinitely. CLIENT’S CONSENT IS NOT REQUIRED IN ORDER TO BE BOUND BY THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS SET FORTH IN THIS CONTRACT. By knowingly or unknowingly, willingly or unwillingly accepting the life that COMPANY provides, CLIENT agrees to all of terms in this contract including THE TEN DEMANDMENTS set forth by the COMPANY (See Exhibit A).
EXHIBIT A THE TEN DEMANDMENTS
I – GOD, INC IS YOUR SOLE PROVIDER
GOD, Inc. shall be the exclusive provider of services and the exclusive recipient of all services performed by CLIENT. Any and all communication, actions, and thoughts shall be monitored by the COMPANY at all times. CLIENT is not allowed to perform any tasks, communicate, or service any other company that is in direct competition with GOD, Inc.
II – NO PHYSICAL REPRESENTATIONS OF CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER (CEO)
CLIENT agrees to never create a physical representation of GOD, Inc’s Chief Executive Officer (herein referred to as “GOD”). This includes, but is not limited to, paintings, sculptures, macaroni pictures, sketches, digital renditions, or any other physical replication.
III – NO MISUSE OF COMPANY NAME
CLIENT agrees to never misuse, abuse, or tarnish the name of GOD, Inc. or any of it’s affiliates, employees, or relatives. CLIENT may not utter phrases, including, but not limited to, “God damn it” or “Oh my God” or “Jesus fucking tap dancing Christ.” CLIENT SHALL BE GIVEN FREE WILL AND ABILITY TO PERFORM THE AFOREMENTIONED ACTIONS BUT SHALL EXERCISE THEIR RIGHT NOT TO DO SO.
IV – CLIENT SHALL NOT PERFORM LABOR ON SUNDAY
CLIENT agrees to not perform any sort of physical labor on Sunday (herein referred to as “THE SABBATH”) unless labor is performed for the sole benefit of GOD, Inc. CLIENT may attend worship services and may otherwise perform tasks that will inflate the ego of GOD.
V – CLIENT SHALL HONOR BIRTH VESSELS
The COMPANY shall assign the CLIENT two human vessels (herein referred to as “PARENTS”) that will aid in giving birth to the CLIENT. CLIENT agrees to honor PARENTS at all times. Said PARENTS will be in charge of initially providing CLIENT with basic necessities needed to survive. Although the provided PARENTS are supposed to provide CLIENT with the best possible care, PARENTS will not always make decisions that are beneficial to the CLIENT. PARENTS may intentionally or unintentionally harm CLIENT. CLIENT AGREES TO HONOR PARENTS REGARDLESS OF ANY DECISIONS THE PARENTS HAVE MADE FOR THE CLIENT.
VI – CLIENT SHALL NOT MURDER
CLIENT agrees not to murder any other client(s) of GOD, Inc unless other clients have breached certain terms of the contract. For example, if other CLIENTS are providing services for companies in direct competition with GOD, Inc., CLIENT shall be expected to terminate the life of those that do not abide by the policies of GOD, Inc. (see Deuteronomy 13:6-13).
“If your very own brother, or your son or daughter, or the wife you love, or your closest friend secretly entices you, saying, "Let us go and worship other gods" (gods that neither you nor your fathers have known, gods of the peoples around you, whether near or far, from one end of the land to the other), do not yield to him or listen to him. Show him no pity. Do not spare him or shield him. You must certainly put him to death. Your hand must be the first in putting him to death, and then the hands of all the people. Stone him to death, because he tried to turn you away from the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.”
The COMPANY shall require CLIENT to murder when given specific direction to do so. However, CLIENT may not murder other clients for any other reason other than those given by the COMPANY.
VII – CLIENT SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY
During the time on Earth, CLIENT is permitted to marry one (1) other CLIENT of the opposite sex and is permitted to engage in sexual acts with married CLIENT (herein referred to as “SPOUSE.”) Upon COMPANY approval of marriage, CLIENT shall only be permitted to engage is sexual acts with approved SPOUSE. CLIENT shall not engage in sexual acts with any other client other than the COMPANY approved SPOUSE.
VIII – CLIENT SHALL NOT STEAL
During the time spent on Earth, CLIENT is not permitted to steal possessions owned by other CLIETNS. The term “stealing” could encompass a broad range of actions or ideas. GOD, Inc. shall not specify exactly what “stealing” may encompass and CLIENT shall still be held responsible for performing correct actions.
IX – CLIENT SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS
During the time spent on Earth, CLIENT shall not lie. The COMPANY may present circumstances to the CLIENT in which the only logical action would be to lie. The COMPANY may even present circumstances to the CLIENT in which the CLIENT’S life is threatened or the life of other CLIENTS are threatened. CLIENT IS STILL OBLIGATED TO THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF THIS CONTRACT EVEN IF THE ACTIONS COULD RESULT IN DEATH OF CLIENT OR OTHER CLIENTS.
X – CLIENT SHALL NOT DESIRE BELONGINGS OF OTHER CLIENTS
During the time spent on Earth, CLIENT may notice that GOD, Inc. has provided other CLIENTS with material possessions, spouses, or circumstances that are superior to those of the CLIENT. CLIENT shall not desire anything that belongs to other clients of GOD, Inc. including, but not limited to, food, shelter, spouses, flat-screen televisions, or any other material possessions. CLIENT agrees to suppress all notions and emotions of desire based on observations of other clients.
SO SAYETH THE LARD