This has absolutely nothing to do with atheism but I could use some advice.

I have a dilemma. I haven't dated in years. Not because I can't get a date, but because I got my heart stomp on in the past. So since then I have had a wall up that no one has been able to penetrate. I mean no one...NO ONE! Anyway I just recently spent the weekend with an ex-girlfriend(Not the one that stomped on my heart)This ex is the only ex I am still friends with. she invited me to a party she was throwing at her house, so of course I went. For the most part the night went as expected (we got drunk and had fun) but late into the party (or early into the morning) things took a little turn. Nothing drastic but we started to get more intimate (extended hugs, caresses...) than we had been for a long time. Naturally I initially blamed this on the alcohol and tried to put it out of my mind. If your confused as to why this is a problem let me put it into perspective. A couple of years after we broke up we stopped talking (mostly she stopped talking to me) and a mutual friend told me why. He said "she said you kept bringing up your old relationship..." so it was my fault as most of my problems are. After that I have made a conscious effort to NEVER bring our past relationship up again. So it is easy to see how confusion sets in when not only do I wake up 10 the next morning cuddled up with her in her bed but then she invites me to spend the rest of the day with her which I did. Now here is the problem. I felt a crack in my wall. After examining this through sober eyes I realized(painfully) that I still have feelings for her and she may still have feelings for me, but I really don't know. I don't want to "poke and prod" and push her away. I also don't want to sit and stew for a month (thats probably the next time I'll see her.she is VERY busy) (also I'm a "high functioning autistic" meaning my mind will dwell on a problem until it is resolved) WHAT DO I DO?

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Comment by Wanda T on May 25, 2011 at 8:17am
Sound's like you've taken a great stride into emotional maturity.  Learning to let go of relationships without harboring anger isn't always easy but many more relationships don't last than those that do, so this will serve you well.  Congrats!
Comment by Alona Naga on May 25, 2011 at 4:09am
update: I ended up having to cut this girl out of my life for good. I won't be surprised if she contacts me down the line though (its what she does). Don't see myself responding though because it just felt way to good to delete her out of my phone. Silver lining:don't feel like throwing up a wall. No reactionary measures. Just moved on. :)
Comment by Alona Naga on April 22, 2011 at 5:52pm
I hate cutting people off. I do it alot and I absolutely hate it, with that said I think I have to do it again.
Comment by Alona Naga on April 8, 2011 at 12:22pm
I'm trying not to, but there is a part of me that wants to.
Comment by Grace Fitzpatrick on April 8, 2011 at 12:09pm
I wouldn't wait around on her either.
Comment by Alona Naga on April 8, 2011 at 11:30am
yea maybe but the optimist in me died a long time ago. but whatever, this is a girl who a year after we broke up sends me a letter (via the mutual friend from the original post) telling me how she's still in love with me... Now I'm getting complete silence?Hell, maybe something did come up which is why I haven't sent that last text yet, but the patience that I don't have is running out.
Comment by Grace Fitzpatrick on April 8, 2011 at 12:25am

Something serious may have come up in her life, so I wouldn't totally blow her off if she did call.  She may be feeling weird about the whole thing. Whatever happens happens.  The sexiest thing in the world is self confidence.  You've taken the first step.  She knows you are interested.  If she calls and you're available, then maybe you'll go out with her.   You have learned one thing - that maybe you are ready for a relationship if it should come your way. 

Comment by Alona Naga on April 7, 2011 at 10:13pm
As far as I am concerned with this situation it is over. I have tried to contact her since that weekend, nothing serious basically just saying whats up and I have heard nothing. Absolute silence, and its not as if I'm blowing her phone up. I have sent her four text messages over two weeks. I asked her If I did something to piss her off, still silence. Hurts like hell but I see no other recourse but to let it go. The next text I send her is gonna say something like..."If I did something to piss you off so bad that you can't even respond to me I am not apologizing for it because I don't know what I did. so if you don't want me contacting you reply STOP and I will"... That seems to me to be the only option I have left with her. I'm actually starting to get really fucking pissed because I don't deserve this shit. I have always treated her with nothing but respect. I don't get it and its fucking with my mental health. sorry for the language.
Comment by Alona Naga on March 30, 2011 at 1:54am
@ Grace Fitzpatrick
I haven't read it but I'm going to. Thanks for the recommendation.
Comment by Grace Fitzpatrick on March 30, 2011 at 1:05am
Have you ever read "The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships: Decoding Social Mysteries Through the Unique Perspectives of Autism" by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron? I read this book about a year ago, because my daughter with autism was always the odd kid out. It made me sad to see her around other kids, but not making friends. I had hoped this book would help me help her learn to relate to other kids.

I have a beautiful, smart daughter, whom has no idea how to make a friend. I think in a few years when she's really going to care about what others' think and making wteen friends, I think this book will be invaluable to her.

It breaks down social relationships in a very scientific way which I think appeals to people with autism. Of course, Temple Grandin is a very famous person with autism who is actually very successful in spite of having pretty severe autism.

I have been working with my daughter on the things I can control like insisting on good manners and cleanliness. There is one sad section of the book where Temple nearly looses her job over underarm odor. Anyone can attain good manners and good manners are the social glue that holds many social relationships together. Temple's mother was a real stickler on them. Both she and her mom have written several books on autism.

Claire Danes made a wonderful movie about the life of Temple called Temple Grandin. It was a made for cable movie. It shows what a hard time, she has even making a friend in high school and college. I enjoyed it a lot. My dd cried through the parts where the kids where mean to Temple. I made her watch the end where everything turns out well for Temple and she liked that.

The book goes into those little clues like when is someone bored, what not to say, how to be pleasant, how to listen when you are not really interested in what the other person is saying, and how to tell if someone is interested in you romantically.

Another good book is "Queen Bees and Wannabees: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the new Realities of Girl World" by Roslind Wiseman. This book is actually for parents of tween and teen girls. Sadly, I have found grown up women are often not that different than wteens and teens.

As an NT, I found both these books useful even though I don't have autism. The Roslind Wiseman book could be renamed "Why high school and middle school sucked and how to make them suck less for your child (female or male, there is a section for boys as well)".



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