Why Jesus Would Be A One Term President

Here's a comedy bit I wrote up. Enjoy.


I was trying to come up with a topic to write about tonight. I was making some bread (yes, I make my own bread) when it hit me: Jesus would suck as a president. Here are the reasons.


10. Jesus surrounds himself with punks. Have you read the New Testament?  The apostles can barely get out of their own way. Who hired Judas? Peter doesn't seem to be a team player either.


While Peter was below in the courtyard, one of the servant girls of the high priest came by.  When she saw Peter warming himself, she looked closely at him.

“You also were with that Nazarene, Jesus,” she said.

 But he denied it. “I don’t know or understand what you’re talking about,” he said, and went out into the entryway.

  When the servant girl saw him there, she said again to those standing around, “This fellow is one of them.”  Again he denied it.

After a little while, those standing near said to Peter, “Surely you are one of them, for you are a Galilean.”

  He began to call down curses, and he swore to them, “I don’t know this man you’re talking about." - Mark 14:66-71


9. Jesus doesn't fire anyone. Obviously, Jesus' skills at interviewing job applicants sucks, but he doesn't fire anyone once they're hired. If I was Jesus I would've pink slipped the Pope a long time ago. What kind of organization is Jesus running if he lets a guy like Pat Robertson shoot his mouth off about the gays causing 9/11 or New Orleans being flooded because of sin?


8. Jesus' dad would be calling all the shots. Jesus' dad is a dick. And Jesus will do whatever Daddy says. Christ, Jesus got crucified because his father told him to. How dysfunctional is that? Would you want those two in charge of the US nuclear arsenal?


7. Jesus would never be on time for meetings. Look at the passage below. Here, Jesus is telling people that some of them will be alive when He claims his worldly kingdom.

"Truly I say to you, there are some of those who are standing here who will not taste death until they see the Son of Man coming in His kingdom.” Mark 16:28

 Jesus, you are late. Very, very late.


6. Jesus believes in appeasing dictators.

Then Jesus said to them, "Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and to God what is God's." And they were amazed at him. - Mark 12:17

What the hell, Jesus? I have to give money to a foreign despot and to your Dad? What about money for me and my family? Don't give that God will provide line either.


5. There is no negotiating with this guy. 

Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' Mark 22:37

 I don't see a lot of "me time" in that equation and personally, it's a bit culty.


4.  Agribusiness will hate Jesus. Mega agricultural corporations like ADM can't have Jesus feeding the masses from a few loaves of bread for free. That's just bad business sense, and it's awfully close to socialism.


3. Jesus' message is inconsistent, to say the least. In politics it's very important to give a clear, consistent message. On one hand, Jesus is tallking about turning the other cheek, yet his followers make up the vast majority of the NRA. Jesus, you need to learn to communicate better!


2. The Book of Revelation is way too freaky. There's a dragon and a whore, with angels opening seals and pouring out death and destruction. Who would vote for a guy who endorses that crap? Oh wait, this is America - scratch #2. It doesn't count.


1. Broken campaign promises. This is the cardinal sin for any elected official. If you say you're going to do something, then do it.

Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it. - John 14:12-14

Anything? To tell you the truth, there have been a lot of Jesusites who have been screwed by the Great Recession, natural disasters, and the like. I don't see any divine intervention going on. How many dead people have been ressurected ala Lazurus lately?  I can count the number on NONE OF MY HANDS because NO ONE has been resurrected. If there had been it would've shown up on Youtube.



Laughing in Purgatory

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Comment by Andrew Hall on August 22, 2011 at 7:19pm
Thanks for the compliments!
Comment by Jeremy Raines on August 19, 2011 at 10:00pm
Speaking of bread...

You know, you never hear about any "faith healer" types feeding "multitudes" with just
a few loaves and fish. Casting out demons? No problem. Healing the sick and the lame? Child's play. Handling deadly serpents and drinking poison? Pffft! But making snacks for several thousand people out of a loaf of sunbeam and a can of sardines? Fageddabahdit!



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