So I am supposed to be doing a paper for my Human Sexuality class, and yet....
I'm goofing off on here and Facebook talking about Black History Month and the like. To be honest, I don't really pay attention to it when it comes around. I mean, I acknowledge it, but I don't literally set time aside to purposefully learn about everything Black History. Doesn't mean I don't know stuff, it just means that I literally think that when it comes to history, every person(no matter what color) is a part of the tapestry. So designating a month to black people and be like "this is all you get use it well" is bullcrap.
And yet some people fuss that it's too much and minorities get all this stuff and white people have nothing. I call these people idiots. I could go on about how folks like that get all huffy over BET and other things...but why should I?
I don't even LIKE BET. I(and by proxy my mother) stopped watching it when I became a teen. I seriously think it helps keep me sane and not run over and smack someone because of another "look what the evil white people did" story. But according to the folks who think BHM is too much, BET is too much, and NAACP is too much.....I'm just like any other hood rat that is out there.
Which is annoying because I'm pretty much a big flaming nerd. And yes, I attempt to not alarm the nervous people of various races who because of one insane black woman thinks that I and other black women are drama loving harpies. I feel bad that I literally have to put folks at ease, but I guess it just comes with the territory?
But the irony is that I rarely have to put a white person at ease. It's usually that I have to sit there and explain to some ghetto fabulous chick or some stars and bars waving idiot that no I am not "pretending to be white". This is how I talk. I have always talked in this manner. My mother talks in this manner as does my grandmother. It was how we were raised and just how we are in personality. My mother tells me I should just call them idiots and move on, but I won't lie, I really want folks to like me.
But the older I got, the worse it got. Not my voice, but just some folks reactions. One time, I got a text message from a chick on black planet who told me to "stick with my own kind" and to stop trying to be so white. What I told her was not the nicest thing, but I take responsibility for it:
"You say that I need to stick with my own kind. Let me inform you of something. Intelligent people are my kind. Not black people. Not white people. And as evidenced by your attitude, you are going to be pumping the gas in my car. And on that day you will thank me for the possibility that you were able to do even that."
Yeah, it was a b**** thing to say. But it got her to leave me alone. But it did in a way point out something: when it comes to typical american black culture/life, I am not invited. I am a race traitor(I have a white boyfriend). I think I'm better than everyone(because I speak proper english?). And I dare to surmise that I could rise above my station(born in the suburbs, want a house of my own..). And a narcissist(wha?? okay..no).
And I do admit I'm weird. But even as a kid I stood out. Mom thinks it is because I waited until I was three to talk. And when I did, I started using full sentences instead of words(I even swore properly). I played the violin in grade school. I was obsessed about science to the point that teachers had to HIDE their science and national geographic books. I preferred to read over goofing off outside(that was because I had asthma and my grandmother trusted no one so what can you do?). I preferred hanging out with the adults instead of being with kids my own age.
The rejection by the rest of my family was swift. I couldn't put a finger on it, but apparently I was just so weird, ugly, and mishapen that I assumed it was because I was very dark and fat. So I had a little complex about that. It never occured to me that the reason why I was rejected was because I was so DIFFERENT. I honestly thought it was something on the outside: my kinky hair, my dark skin, my corpulent belly...
So I tried really hard to fit in with whomever I could. I literally picked up and put down so many identities that I can't tell you how many.
It wasn't until I hit age 27 that I started to care about what I thought, how I felt and so on. And it wasn't until this year(I'm 29) that I started to actually pay attention to myself and really accept myself. It did help that I have a boyfriend who accepts me as I am(and loves it) and a best friend who is like me in personality but just taller(she's like 6 foot I swear). I started realizing it was alright to not be sterotypically black. I am who I am. I'm a science show watching, manga reading, german learning,tool listening, curry making woman. I don't really "fit" into any box. Unless it's a bento then I figure out a way to kinda shove myself in there. I'm weird, but my mother, grandmother, boyfriend, friends, and random strangers love me for it. I don't need to justify my existence to anyone.