Wrestling Update: God loses battle royale!

(A blog entry taken from my myspace account a few years ago. Written in Jan 3, 2008. Enjoy!!!)

Hello, folks! It's been a while since my last blog entry (too lazy to concentrate on such things when I'm drinking and enjoying the "holidays") but here is my latest installment for all you avid readers
and your blasphemous needs. I figure I have been too serious in my
blogs... me trashing down video game consoles and such. That is why I
have decided to be even more serious about the bible... so serious that I
just had to make up this nice title to go with this blog. Now before I
begin... I am very sure any pious, faithful, sane/insane christian can
come up with a million excuses to justify these next verses. So just to
let any of you sub-humans know... your opinions are only valid if you
acknowledge that you have no idea why these verses are even in the
bible. Now without further ado... god vs. humans... and a mystery


First match: God vs. Jacob

Genesis 32: 22-32

"That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob
was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the
man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of
Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man.
Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied,
"I will not let you go unless you bless me." The man asked him, "What
is your name?" "Jacob," he answered. Then the man said, "Your name
will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God
and with men and have overcome." Jacob said, "Please tell me your
name." But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him
there. So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw
God face to face, and yet my life was spared." The sun rose above him
as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip. Therefore
to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket
of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the


Now following this bible passage in context as much as possible... looks like Jacob walked out like a champ. Haha. Jacob dominated the whole match to a point that god felt he could not overpower Jacob... so
he had to cheapshot him by messing up his hip. Now I am sure many will
say that god let himself lose because he is "forgiving" and such... but
nowhere in this passage does it say he let himself... it CLEARLY says
"when the man saw that he could not overpower him". It doesn't say "the
man gave Jacob an opening" or "the man was toying with Jacob the whole
time". The man felt overpowered. End of story. God decided to wrestle
in a single's match, and lost. Oh yeah... and some people apparently
don't eat the tendon attached to the socket hip. Last time I checked...
Jacob was not considered an animal. Unless of course these people eat
humans. Then the symbolism is understandable.


Sub-Main Event: God vs. Men From The Valley... In Iron Chariots.

Judges 1:19

"And the LORD was with Judah; and he drove out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron."

(Their technology is too advanced! We can't have a decent royal rumble like this!)

This one's pretty straightforward. Even if Judah was the one trying to drive out the inhabitants... does it not CLEARLY state that the lord is with him? And no one can't use a silly cop-out by saying that god
was only metaphorically involved. After all the crazy physical shit
that god does in the Old Testament (and christians selectively believe
most of those things like the flood, plagues, ridiculous creation
stories)... no christian is willing to believe that god could not
physically drive out men in iron chariots, even though it is clearly
stated in this verse? Of course not. Because it makes no sense when
taken literally... just like everything else. Looks like god should
seek a new career in politics... I hear it is easier to sit from a
distance giving commands... rather than trying to get your hands dirty.
This whole wrestling gig is becoming too dangerous with all the iron
chariots. How's a god suppose to wrestle with all these men riding
around in iron chariots!?


Main-Event: God vs. The Moabites and Chemosh, The Greater Deity

2 Kings 3:14-27

"Elisha said, "As surely as the LORD Almighty lives, whom I serve, if I did not have respect for the presence of Jehoshaphat king of Judah, I would not look at you or even notice you. But now bring me a
harpist." While the harpist was playing, the hand of the LORD came upon
Elisha and he said, "This is what the LORD says: Make this valley full
of ditches. For this is what the LORD says: You will see neither wind
nor rain, yet this valley will be filled with water, and you, your
cattle and your other animals will drink. This is an easy thing in the
eyes of the LORD; he will also hand Moab over to you. You will
overthrow every fortified city and every major town. You will cut down
every good tree, stop up all the springs, and ruin every good field with
stones." The next morning, about the time for offering the sacrifice,
there it was—water flowing from the direction of Edom! And the land was
filled with water. Now all the Moabites had heard that the kings had
come to fight against them; so every man, young and old, who could bear
arms was called up and stationed on the border. When they got up early
in the morning, the sun was shining on the water. To the Moabites across
the way, the water looked red—like blood. "That's blood!" they said.
"Those kings must have fought and slaughtered each other. Now to the
plunder, Moab!" But when the Moabites came to the camp of Israel, the
Israelites rose up and fought them until they fled. And the Israelites
invaded the land and slaughtered the Moabites. They destroyed the
towns, and each man threw a stone on every good field until it was
covered. They stopped up all the springs and cut down every good tree.
Only Kir Hareseth was left with its stones in place, but men armed with
slings surrounded it and attacked it as well. When the king of Moab saw
that the battle had gone against him, he took with him seven hundred
swordsmen to break through to the king of Edom, but they failed. Then
he took his firstborn son, who was to succeed him as king, and offered
him as a sacrifice on the city wall. The fury against Israel was great;
they withdrew and returned to their own land."

(Actual footage of firstborn sacrifice.)

Now read this carefully. When the king of Moab decides to sacrifice his firstborn son... it says that he does it on the city wall. Not very specific is it? Why did he do that? Who did he sacrifice him to? If
anyone would dig further into it... the Moabites worshipped their own
deity, Chemosh. None of the bible translations say in these precise
verses that it was indeed Chemosh... and most likely no one will find
that name in these specific verses in any translation (probably edited
out to hide the shame), but that name is indeed found in other places of
the bible that connects it to the Moabites. So ok. Let's give you
christians the benefit of the doubt. Let's say the Moabite king offered
his sacrifice to god himself. Would it make sense that god... having
the backs of the Israelites and commanding them to go to war... would
suddenly accept the sacrifice of the opposing side and turn the tides of
war against his own people? What the hell? Does that make any
freakin' sense?

Now let's look at it the other way. Perhaps the Moabite king sacrificed his son to the deity, Chemosh. Do you know what that means? Yep... you know it. It means Chemosh overcame god in a "Hell In A
Cell" Cage Match. No seriously though. I don't even think it makes a
difference if the Moabite king sacrificed his son to Jehovah, Zeus,
Satan, Spongebob Squarepants, or even the pink invisible unicorn. If
that sacrifice worked... that means god is either a treacherous,
backstabbing being... or he could not withstand the awesome Tornado
DDT of the great Chemosh (or any other deity that the sacrifice was
attributed to).

God has had a pretty extensive career throughout his time... but there are a few blemishes in his career that can't be ignored. Looks like god is not entirely invincible. A being that can wipe out the
earth at will... can't pin Jacob down for the 3 count, can't stand up to
iron chariots, or can't defeat another man-made deity like Chemosh.
That's pretty lame. Luckily, these bits from the bible should not
tarnish the faith of any blind sheep. There's already plenty more
ridiculous things in the bible that people refuse to analyze with
reason... so let's just leave it at that. God sucks at wrestling... and
Chemosh will glady have a rematch should god ever ask for one.
Hahahaha. That is all for today's wrestling update.

[Lego illustrations courtesy of The Brick Testament. Check out that site... it's funny as hell!]

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